sea of love

It was our first encounter, the first time my eyes met with its immense blue ones.
On a boat in Syria, I lost myself for the first time as my gaze narrowed focusing on the horizon questioning that which lies behind it. I was a daydreamer, in my dreams I found my courage, and in them I dared to be. We felt a kinship, the sea and I. Somehow in its immensity and horizon, it resembled my inner world of dreams. It was not so scary to swim in it. Jumping is no longer a leap of faith; you are certain it will embrace you once you plunge in it. There was no place for fear, just one for ‘being’.

It is funny how we linger on to certain feelings we experience as children. I seek that which the sea made me feel as a young girl. The sea is infinite, a constant source of wonder and a feeling of pure bliss. I have no sea in my city, nor is there a horizon to keep me wondering. I knew what lied there behind those cement houses or pretentious buildings; and in knowing there is little space left for imagination.

At a time when I hardened my shell because the world seemed too harsh to accept me or my inner world of dreams, we met again the sea and I. This time, the sea had hazel eyes but with that exact same immensity. Like the sea, I kept coming back and looking for him. He had that recurring source of amazement and possibility. Boundless; he had no ending limits. Like the seashore, he was curious and welcoming of the weary souls and the hopeless dreamers. In him, a chance for rebirth, they questioned what they knew and dared to get lost to find themselves again. Water was his element as he refused to remain one thing. He knew that like water vapour he had to let go of parts of him wherever he went and lived and just like ice he had to gather up those scattered stories to crystallize into that bigger picture of who he is. His fluidity recognized the porous nature of everything around it; he knew that anything can be penetrated to change into what it never was. Yet, he recognized that this fluidity will be the reason they try to contain him to conform to any shape. But you cannot hold water in your hands, nor can you keep it still; a still sea and a turbulent one is both ephemeral and unpredictable. You can attempt grasping, stabbing, taking a hit at the sea; it will not suffer hurt. It will not be confined.
He frequently met with the sun at the horizon, in a dark hopeless night he knew the sun must rise tomorrow. When the sun is the highest in the sky, duties were projected onto him, but he meets the sun again when it sets so he can fall back into his passions. In the night’s madness, he saw an opportunity for dreaming. The moon seems less lonely as its penumbra reflects on the sea surface. Constellations are dismantled in their reflection in the sea to be single stars seen for what they are separately. The night’s fever seduces you and just like the sea at night, he had a nocturnal heart of desire. Just like a starry night by the sea, he tells you ‘you don’t have to be so infatuated with reason’.

We met again in August, by then he had summer-coloured skin. In the streets of his city, so much reminds you of destruction but the sea is always there to contemplate. It makes me wonder if that is where he got his resilient nature from. We drove up to his mountains, he let me express myself with my playlists. Like those mountains and the sea, he was ever changing. Like those mountains, he expressed autonomy and was grounded to the earth. He knew that to get to its top, he needed persistence and obsession to overcome its slopes.
The mountains of my city have shy slopes and unidentifiable peaks. The most authentic and genuine part of the city is the abyss between those two mountains. The only hope for the people of downtown Amman comes from the freedom the birds flying over this chasm possess.
As you drive up the slopes of the mountains of his hometown, you sense their majestic nature. They portray life with lungs of breathing forests. It is humbling to be there; you are no longer the centre. The mountain is there penetrating the sky to remind you that elevation only comes from it.

I have always wished my city had a sea that could maybe stir its contradictions to homogeneity and to stretch the minds of the people as they get lost in its horizon.
Perhaps, this is why I feel lucky with this encounter. I found the energy of the sea in a person. It gave me that feeling I have been longing for. That beauty exists, that there is always a horizon even if we cannot see it and you cannot help but fall in love with it.

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أنا مُتَغَيّرة

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